"Masturbation is the most fundamental sex.  It is the first sex we ever have, and it has nothing to do with romance, reproduction, or commitment.  It is purely about pleasure and surrender."
—Organic Love: An Ecology of Sustainable Relationship, Eric Francis

1. asexual reproduction
2. auto-eroticism
3. autofellatio
4. bang yourself
5. battle the cyclops

Masturbation is the most common and widely practiced form of sexual play, and yet, it has been one of the most closeted, taboo and ostracized throughout history.  Conservative studies today by the Kinsey Institute, show that between 70-80 percent of women and 94 percent of men masturbate regularly.  At least 98 percent of people have admitted to masturbating at one time in their life.  It makes you wonder what the other 2 percent are doing. 

So, why all the guilt?  Where did the negative ideas of masturbation come from?

6. beat off
7. beat the meat
8. beef the jerky
9. blow a wad
10. burp the worm

Masturbation is motivated by the desire to pleasure one's self.  It is secular, and stands in opposition to the tribal mentality of primitive society.  The individual was subordinated to the needs of the tribe as a whole.  To the ancient Egyptians, however, masturbation was considered divine creation:

"In the beginning, according to the myth of Ennead, there was a mysterious act of creativity or fertility by the creator--the sun-god ATUM ... created himself with the aid of magic.  Atum (whose name means completeness) then undertook the first act of division, which he achieved through masturbation..."
—from "Creation", The Dictionary of Ancient Egypt

11. charm the one-eyed snake
12. choke the monkey
13. crank the one-eyed yogurt thrower
14. date Rosie Palmer and her five sisters
15. drain the dragon

In ancient Greece, masturbation was widely practiced and worshiped by cults.  The Greeks, however, believed that the "flesh" represented one's "lower" nature, and that the "spirit" represented one's "higher" nature. 

16. erupt Old Faithful
17. exorcize your demons
18. fake fucking
19. fight one-eyed Willy
20. fisting your cock

The following texts from The Kama Sutra (which date back to the forth century B.C.), describe how Hindus relieved sexual energy when they didn't have a partner.

"When men have no women to sleep with, they satisfy themselves with other kinds of vulvas, or with dolls, or else masturbate.  He manages by simply "seizing the lion" [simbakranta], meaning
masturbation.  In this connection it is said: In an upright position, seizing the lion means grasping one's sex with one's hand and thus scattering one's orgasm.  Since spilling one's seed anywhere is a serious offense, a purification rite should then be performed."

The women of a harem also had ways to pleasure themselves when men were absent:

"They use objects with the shape of the virile member: carrots, turnips, and fruit such as bananas, aubergines; roots like that of the sweet potato [aluka] or others, as well as wall pepper roots [talaka]; fruits such as marrows [alabuka], cucumbers, etc.  Having cleaned the fruit, they grasp it and insert it in the organ, so as to cause a pleasurable feeling.  This is merely a question of erotic amusements and does not involve feelings of love."
—The Complete Kama Sutra 1994, Translated by Alain Danielou

So, although the Kama Sutra recognized masturbation as a necessary evil, they did not altogether condone it.

21. flying solo
22. foreskin mambo
23. get off
24. giving the dog a bone
25. hand jive

It was Christianity that brought the largest blow to human sexuality, however, especially masturbation.  Sexual pleasure of any kind was scorned as the church attempted to spread its doctrine of spiritual purity and eternal life.  It was the body that dragged a soul down into sin, said Paul, in its quest for sexual pleasure.

"It is significant that the Church's most ferocious wrath was reserved not for fornication but for masturbation.  It is through masturbation that a human being first discovers the sensual potential of his or her own body; moreover, it is an entirely "selfish" act, in that it is performed solely for the benefit of the person involved.  It is the act through which many an individual first encounters the possibility of an ecstasy entirely different from the ecstasy promised by religion."
—Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Romantic Love

26. Hans Solo
27. jack the beanstalk
28. jerk off
29. knuckle shuffle
30. leak the lizard

During the 18th, 19th and even 20th century, physicians throughout Europe and North America considered masturbation the worst form of the "wasting" and "the vilest, the basest and the most
degrading act that a human being can commit.1"  These corrupted ideas became the basis for an obsession to exorcize society of these selfish demons, and "self-pollution" was blamed for everything from acne, gout and backache to blindness, weakness, madness, epilepsy, nymphomania, growing hair on palms, and even death.  Sadistic cures for this "shameful and criminal act that is the most fatal, of all vices2" included shock therapy, chastity belts, male and female circumcision, physical restraints in straitjackets or hands tied to bedposts, and penile rings lined with spikes to dissuade erections.

31. molest your meat
32. Our Gang Spanky marathon
33. palm loving
34. peel the banana
35. pocket billiards

Later, masturbation was thought to cause psychological  "perversions" such as narcissism (Freud) and homosexuality, carrying with it those negative preconceptions from the not too distant past.

"Much of the current misunderstanding of homosexuality is a result of its having been labeled a disease in the 19th century. The German neuropsychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing considered it a ‘hereditary neuropathic degeneration' aggravated by excessive masturbation."
—from "Homosexuality," Microsoft (R) Encarta. Copyright © 1994.

36. release the hounds
37. self deflation
38. self indulgence
39. shag your shank
40. siphon the python

Fortunately for us, humanity has emerged from the frigid "ice age" of Puritan sensibilities which believed sexual self-pleasure to be a crime.  Today, masturbation is not only recognized as a pleasurable pastime, but is also celebrated as a normal, natural act that promotes vitality and health.  Research shows that it improves prostate health in men, reduces pre-menstrual cramping in women, increases blood flow to the genitals to improve genital health, provides a healthy release for sexual tension and aids sleep, teaches one the art and skill of sexual pleasure, is the ultimate in safe sex, improves self-esteem, helps improve orgasm pleasure (intensity and arousal) and encourages a healthy philosophy towards sex in general.  Psychotherapists and sexologists today agree "that a lack of masturbatory experience may be related to psychopathology, rather than the practice of autoeroticism", which contrasts greatly with past views.

41. tame the beast
42. ugly man sex
43. unisex
44. virgin love
45. wank/yank off

Leading pro-activists of sexology such as Dr. Betty Dodson, a sex guru and educator, have been promoting the advantages of masturbation.  Dr. Dodson teaches masturbation techniques for women including genital massage, PC muscle contraction, vaginal penetration, correct breathing, pelvic movement and clitoral stimulation. 

46. battery testing
47. diddle yourself
48. frigging yourself
49. jilling off
50. juicing the box

"I believe...  Masturbation is our first natural sexual activity.  Masturbation is the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.  Masturbation is an erotic meditation.  Masturbation inspires creativity.  Masturbation is a way to gain sexual self-knowledge.  Cultural denial of masturbation is the basis of sexual repression..."
—Betty Dodson, Ph.D.

51. Making waves for the little man in the boat
52. parting the pink sea
53. rolling sushi
54. spank the kitty
55. wiggling the bean

For the two percent of the population that still have misconceptions about the benefits of masturbation, here are some tips to pique your curiosity and get you started.  For those of you who are an "old hand" at solo sex, I hope you find some new and exciting ways to "pull your puppet" or "club your clam".

MASTURBATION TIPS
Disclaimer: The following is a list of masturbation ideas and techniques compiled from various sources, personal research, and fantasies.  Please use caution and common sense (condoms!) when trying any of these.  Never place unclean objects on or in your genitals.  As always, play safe and have fun!

1. Tie yourself up and try masturbating without your hands. Hump something hard, firm, soft, squishy, cold, warm.  Try different textures.  The arm of a chair, a bike seat (look Mom, no hands!), a silky cloth, your teddy bear.

2. Water is a great masturbation tool.  Try masturbating in the shower, in the bath, in a lake or river, in a public pool (try not to be obvious!), in a rain storm, on a water slide, in a hot tub, with a shower head (detachable of course!), with a turkey baster up the vagina or anus, resting your balls in warm water as you jack off, or a bowl of ice cubes, inserting ice cubes or popsicles in the vagina or anus.

3.  Do you have a green thumb?  Try fruit, vegetables and other foods.  Be sure to wash these before hand.  For gals: cucumbers, carrots, bananas, fruit jello in a condom mold, salami, frozen tenderloin.  For guys: mangos, tomatoes, pumpkins, squash, watermelon, melons.  For both: in a kid pool/bathtub filled with jello, toss salad, creamed corn (sliding around in it).

4.  Fear is erotic.  Masturbate in public.  Try the no-hands leg squeeze on the bus (gals), vibrator in the vagina/anus in public, in a cab, at your desk at work, in an elevator, on a park bench, on the beach, a changing room, a public washroom.  Be careful and don't get caught.  It is illegal to masturbate in public.  Remember George Michael?

5.  Pain, pleasure and kink.  Try nipple clamps, weights, clothes pins, smacking your ass with a paddle, using your nails on your skin, biting yourself gently, calling yourself dirty names, playing dress-up, smelling your (or someone elses) underwear/panties, light bondage, blindfolds, feathers.

6. Foreign Objects.  You can use numerous objects for insertion in either the vagina, anus or mouth.  Fill all your orifices at once!  Remember the tissues inside of you are sensitive and fragile, so be careful.  Never insert anything so far that you can't get it out, or anything too big.  Again, use common sense.  Try: wine bottles (half-full) and drink the juices that run out, vibrators, dildos, benwa balls, butt plugs, ball gags, panties, Barbie dolls (make Ken jealous), balloons filled with water/jello, phallic gods (carved out of bone or stone).

7.  Genital massage and self-love. This is the most popular way to masturbate.  Make a date with yourself. Take a long relaxing bath, then grease yourself up good with K-Y jelly, vegetable oil, massage oil and softly/slowly massage your genitals.  Try tantra as well, including deep breathing, and keep thinking positive thoughts about how beautiful and desirable you are--how much you turn yourself on.  See how long you can go without coming. Keep bringing yourself to the edge again and again until you can't stand it any longer.  After you come, tell yourself how good you were!  And, don't forget to taste yourself.

8. Porno.  Watch lots and lots of porno.  I call this the quick fix.  I usually do this late at night when I need an instant release, and I am worried about project for the next day and can't sleep.  Imagine you are doing all those nasty, perverted things in the video, and keep building up until you climax at your favorite scene.  Play.  Rewind.  Pause.  Play.

9.  Mirrors.  Watch yourself in a mirror.  Get dressed up for the occasion: high heels, lingerie, red lipstick, your favorite jock-strap.  Position yourself before a full length mirror.  Get close and touch your "other" self.  Kiss and tongue the mirror (clean it first), fondle yourself, expose yourself (spread your lips wide and say cheese), pretend you are in an erotic photo shoot, watch yourself masturbate, come on the mirror.

10.  Circle Jerk.  Masturbate with your partner or even a bunch of friends.  This is extremely sexy.  Show-and-tell how you get yourself off, learn new techniques and teach others what pleases you.  Plan a Jack-n-Jill-off party, and give prizes to the fastest jerk, the longest jerk, the most original jerk, etc.  Great party favors include dildos, vibrators, flavored condoms and massage oils.


Sources
1. Quote from John Kellogg, 19th century American health reformer and inventor of Kellog's cereal.
2. Quote from "Satan in Society" by Nicholas Francis Cooke